October 1, 2015

What I'm Hearing
I finished listening to the 11th episode of Undisclosed: The State Vs. Adnan Syed on the drive into work this morning. I started catching up on the back episodes when a friend of mine who knew I had loved Serial, the podcast that inspired it, messaged me with something like, "Have you listened to Undisclosed?!" As a true crime fanatic, I was drawn to Serial as soon as I had heard about it, but the fact that everything happened in 1999 made it that much more compelling. In 1999, I was a Junior in high school--Adnan & Hae Min were Seniors. Two days after her body was found, I got dumped by the first guy I ever fell in love with; it's just so weird to me how such different things were happening only about eighty-five miles away from each other.

When Serial, was over, I was left feeling conflicted over whether or not Adnan killed Hae Min Lee. There seemed to be so much compelling evidence for either side. I figured that we'd never know unless The Innocence Project was able to reopen the case. Of course, I underestimated the level of obsession people had for Serial & how tenacious people can be when researching--especially with the Internet making things easier.

Now that I've listened to eleven episodes of Undisclosed, I don't think Adnan did it. There are too many loose ends. For example, the blogger-lawyers who are re-examining all of the documents have pulled out so many inconsistencies in Jay's story that I don't know how anyone could believe anything he says. I can't decide whether or not he's actually malicious, but at the very least, he's a gigantic liar--in 1999 & in recent interviews.

However, I do realize that the podcast has a pro-Adnan bent. One of the founders is the brother of one of Adnan's friends & the podcast has a disclaimer that all the proceeds from its sponsors goes to the fund for Adnan's defense. Even so, the fact that they have that disclaimer right there makes me believe in the podcast all the more--it feels like they have nothing to hide.

I also listened to an episode of The Longest Shortest Time about a woman who decided to be a single mother & got a sperm donor & IVF & all that jazz. I spent most of my life trying to make sure that I did things in the correct order--marriage, then baby--that I felt a little sad for myself that I didn't have the courage to do what this lady did when it was right for her. All these feelings prompted me to talk to my husband about when we could start trying to have a baby which then led to a hard conversation...that I'm not sure I'm ready to actually write about.

After that (I have a long, long commute), I started listening to a Sawbones about lice which, as they warned in the beginning of the episode, made me feel itchy.

How I'm Feeling
I thought today was going to end up being a good day, emotions wise. I was a little worried about bringing up babies with my husband, but it started off as a good conversation. Our debt is going down & our travel plans have been laid. I had wanted to set a goal for when we could start trying because I've felt like I'm in a holding pattern for most of my life & I wanted to make an attempt to take some control. Then it turned into the aforementioned difficult situation that I can't see a resolution toward. Someone is going to end up hurt & that makes me sad. We're meeting up for dinner tonight downtown before we go to an event, but I don't think he'll want to talk about it with other people around.

While we were in the middle of our discussion, one of the paralegals who just gave birth last month brought her baby in, so while I'm watching my goal slip through my fingers, a baby was crying in my office.

Stuff I Should Spend an Entire Post On
I ended up rehashing the whole floor warden/physically impaired during a fire drill thing with a friend of mine. Baffling. Still baffling. I also want to write a post about meeting my brother when I was twenty-six. That was inspired by The Longest Shortest Time when she asked for story pitches. I'm not sure my dad would want to talk about his first wife, though, so maybe I should write the post first before I ask him about it.